Hey, I'm hungover. It's not big and it's nto clever, actualyl I'd say it was pretty stupid, wet and cold. from my experience last night.I don't know why I drink soo much, well I kinda do, I sent loads of time at home last weekend just chilling out, and then most of this week. I've had quite a lot of alone time really. My best friend is in New Zeland, I don't know if it's a bit junior school having a best friend but she is and she is new zeland. So yer I've been all on my own, thinking and trying to be creative and keep myself entertained.
SO YER LAST NIGHT, arrgh I'm crap with the caps lock button, you may have noticed, but re-writing is counter productive so cba. We went into this club called aqua bar, and I'm quite a big fan of aqua bar, it's not really trendy so you don't get fools there, and you don't get many people my age there either so it's not like your going to get bumped into and bothered. MOst importantly it plays good music, bit of 70's 80's and then all the usual crap, but plenty of cheese, which is what I like. Anyway we paid a £5er to get in and it was some special promo night, I better not sya who incase they sue. But anyway promotion night consisted of very skinny bar staff, who didn't really know what they were doing and just had a giggle, they had dancers on podiums, who were again skinny, but didn't have a clue how to move thier bodies. One particular girl had me in hysterics cos she really thought she was sexy but the dancing was so scary it was like when little kids mimic beyonce or someone. Anyway so me and Martin get there all this is going on and it's dead, and the music is all this dance crap, and every 30 seconds the guy in the corner with the DJ just shouts some 'Big up' crap, we were like oh my fucking god, and we were kina stuck there, cos the first thing we did was put our coats in the cloakroom so we'd kinda invested £^ in the experience by that point, which is really stupid, cos we coulda paid that and I coulda gone to guilty pleasures! which is something I really wanted to go to. So the obvious solution to the crapness was drink, but there were no deals or offers or anything, so it was costing more and more and not getting drunk.
So the plot thickens I beign a genius of high calibre say let's leave our coats here, and go over the road to the baabaa, and get back in with our tickets when it's livened up. So we went Baa Baa and had 4 shots each and some orange VS, and that was it shitfaced. Anyway we wandered all round manchester going from club to club cos everywhere was dead and I didn't like the music anywhere, and our coats were still in the Aqua bar, and we got soaked, and I wore stupid shoes, and I din't even want to go out cos I have to go out tonight. I wishI'd warn boots but instead I wore tarty goth shoes and I felt soo daft like everyone would think look at her tryna be sexy. I don't know maybe I wasjust having a self concious moment.
SO WE knew we had till 4am to get our coats, we were all under control, except when we got back there at half 2 (after a lot of walking and moaning, from me, martin was just drunk) the place was shut. Martin being the dizzy camp gay he is had left his home keys in his jacket, so we were like shit shit, over and over, and had to ring them to get in, I could just hear the girl on the end of the phone asking if it was ok I was like oh my god. it musta closed early cos the night died on it's arse, not that it even started anywhere above rock bottom. SO yer we were nearly very screwed. Then I met up with this girl from work to share a taxi home at this place where you kick a cab, and because there's like no taxi people everyone got into a fight over who was where in the cue, so I withdrew from the situation but Laura that I work with kinda took a philosophical approach of why do you have to argue and this is stupid, except everyone seemed preety happy being stupid, because they were filled with alchol shaped angst so yer. Everyone was just chatting shit and my feet hurt, and I felt daft. so WE JUMPED IN A BLACK CAB, people bitch about em costing a fortune, they don't really once you've negotiated and split it, and if I spent anymote time on the road I woulda froze with anger.
Still cold now been on the phone to my ex, I'm soo crap. I really I am. I dumped him, I had all these great things i said to myself i THOUGHT i could do it, but life doesn't feel right without him, but it's never gonna be right with him. I just wish I was better at this stuff. I keep trying to run from the closeness and get some space, but I can't let him go, it's no good. I don't know what to do. I dumped him he shouldn't be so nice to me, making time for me. At the same time though I can't keep being nice because I dumped him, like out of guilt cos it'll detract from me, yer I finsihed it but i STILL count. I know what I should do, I should text him and say not to come over, but I want him to, I'm just being selfish I really am, he's got a life and he had plans for today and I'd be making him trapse over here. I'm so crap, I really am I know break-ups aren't easy but I just wanted to be ok. He's good guy but I can't let him close. I'm just drifting and not feeling anything, I'm gonna lose evryone around me with this attitude and it's shitty. People, my friend he fancies me I'm attracted to him, but he wants answers from me, like do I love him? do I want him? and I don't know what I want, or how I feel...it seems so pointless to go from guy to guy nto feeling anything, I could've stayed with my ex if I wanted the relationship stuff. Cos it wasn't that I didn't want the ex but I can't take relationships, soo much stuff hurts to me and he never got ot the core of me I kinda needed someone who'd reach me and push me. Even though that can be pretty annoying. I might be a bad person, but I think I'm just confused, I know in a couple months everythings going to change (moving away) but right now I'm in limbo. I'm all ambivalent I don't want to let anyone in, but I don't want to hurt or reject anyone. I just don't know what to do, and the guilt makes me want to say and do all sorts of thigns with my ex, but I wouldn't know what to do. I've only ever been in love with one person, and their long gone. arrrgh, I need to sort things, I need to do the right thing text my ex and say not to bother...I mean what's gonna happen I'll be nice, I'll be sweet and affectionate but at the end of the day I'll have to pull myself together and realise once again that I made the right choice.
I don't know.
I can't work out what's right or wrong or what I want, if I'm safe or if things are going to be bad. I feel like I should be able to read people and in a way I can, but I don't apply my knowledge, it's like I have some brain power but I never connect to it, cos I want ot hide from stuff..and live more simplistically. Maybe one day all this will feel like nothing. I tell myself over and over I'm 18 and I'm gong to f*ck up, I've still got time..some of the stuff I said might be bad, but if I'm not honest I probably can't sort it or fight it.