Ok I had another wierd day, and I wanted to rant, have someone hear, but not necessarily know me and be like oh my god your obsessing again. Not that I obsess I just analyse everything I don't know if it's cos I like English Literature, or I live in my mum's little mafia world, but yer I thought this might be a new way of getting all them useless feelings out, or at least creating the pretence to myself that I am.
It's not really like me in general to do stuff like this, but I need to make changes, I dumped my boyfriend. It's odd he was dead nice but there was like no disequilibrium it was just one big flow, and I'm too young for big flowing things. Yer I've given up on men it just ends in doom, and I'm not good at all this closeness stuff. probably by choise I probably don't wanna be.
I was listening to Diams this morning she's a French rapper, so obviously UI never fully understand what's being said my french isn't that good, but she has this song 'car tu portes mon nom' wHICH i'M PRETTY sure is 'because you wear my name", and in my abstract ways of not understanding, I thought maybe relationships are like that. You're wearing thier name, and that was the problem with my ex, I din't want to wear his name, cos I had different beliefs and opinions from him, and when you date someone you can just get lumped into this thing that you think LIKE THEM or that you share the same views. When some of the things he followed were the anithesis of things and the way I see them. So yer, I suppose I'm a prude or a snob I live in the world I want to live in but I think everyone does. Like gangster rappers, and producers they reckon the whole world is a big violent place dealing drugs and murdering, the things you believe in end up being the world you live in cos you kinda look for them. Like me I don't see all the violence and dumb stuff like fashion and make-up. I know these girls intent on changing thier image to fit the steryotype, and it's sad, cos they don't have another area of thier life where they can strive for perfection. SO they end up eating stuff and then going down the gym all night. Then my ex will say things like "they should know nice guys don't mind" and that's not the point. He's right nice guys don't mind, but the use of don't mind kind off implies you know they're ok with second best, they'll make exceptions and be reasonable. I always thought love would be kinda more deep than it is, not just about biologically searching for mates, and finding someone you can lump along with. I thought love would be life changing and defining but it's not really, it just gets me all annoyed and defensive.
Anyway I'm just ranting cos I learnt how to play with or without you, the U2 song, and I learnt the lyrics by heart, and then I had to perform it this afternoon to all these people and it shat me up completely. I did it, but then I got the feedback and I know I'm a good musician with potential and I got one comment "the guitar playing didn't enhance it", but you have to laugh cos ok it was ropey and it is 4 chords all the way through, but that was part of the safety cos singing makes me nervous enough as it is........ Yer i can takethe critism but I spend the whole day surrounded by girls who are nothing like me, and have all these concerns that don't even reach my world, like plucking eyebrows.
Peace and Love
x x x x