Came to Moan

Hey world,
Things are finally looking up, I was sitting on a train the other day, talking to someone who I have to gaurd what I say with, but maybe filtering the words gave more clarity then I'd felt in a long time. Anyway something has clicked, I don't feel so guilty and sinful anymore for putting my needs first, even though that in itself was difficult, I dont' know to be a bit more blunt, I'm coming to terms with the reality it was right to dump my ex. I don't know for so long I have felt like the lyrics "I make the right moves but I'm lost within" but I suddenly feel stronger, braver, and not like a screw up.
Life is kind off more like a story and more of an adventure when you take risks and make sacrifices. They push you and your personality into places you didn't know you could go.
Went to the Love Train on Wednesday Night, that's some 70's club night was alright, not ace cakes, I just drank a bit too much, and ended up getting off with my firend in front of some guys who wanted to take us home. It was a bit drunk and confusing especially since my mate is like 6ft tall so when I kissed her she must've had to lean quite a bit I'm only just 5foto something. Oh well... That was my first girl on girl kiss, haha probably last too who knows. Yer things have been mad recently I'm never at home, I barely ever sleep in my own Bed. In the space of a week I've stayed overnight in Newcastle, Glasgow and Preston, and then crashed at my mates one night....ironic thing is I love my bed, it's warm, safe and in the sky where no one can reach me.....
Not much else to sya except the piano playing is starting to look up, after endless periods of you will never be a concert pianist, or go to a conservatoire....and then bloody Per, my danish teacher, he gets so emotional it drives me mad, he is constantly gettign to the core of me, in a way which isn't sympathetic. Like last Monday he said I had an angry attitude when he was trying to sot out my technique at playing legato, I was getting annoyed cos I was trying and trying and everytime I slipepd up he was there to criticise. and it drove me mad, cos he was acting like I hadn't understood or listened. So I ended up crying which was horrid. Because we had spent an hour on this one piece, and him discussing my attitude. Then he said as he has always said there is no shame in seeing a councilor cos I obviously have anger issues and don't like to talk about my feelings. So i said that I know I don't like to talk about my feelings and I know why, so all I really want is for him to stop bringing it up.
It put a bit of a damper on the day after I had managed todrive ot his house and negotaite the roads...........
But I know I will crack this music, I will conquer it and rock...haha if classical pianists can really do that???????
x x x x x x x x

Writing to say I am feeling more optimistic, perhaps because I got the first season of David Lynch's twin peaks for 14.99 when it was £50 in HMV, and I've wanted it for years. Despite the very bad piano lesson, and the potential feeling of doom, and the toilet being ripped out and sat in the back garden I am ready to fight back.from the miserability I was feeling yesterday.I have speant a bit too much though, but maybe it's realising endorphins, cos I have "stuff" now.

Mess. Doom and Gloom and why am I so crap?
I wish I could feel something more than nothing. I wish I knew what I wanted. If I'm surrounded by cake I'm not hungry I'm just storing it in cupboards for a time when it'll be right, but nothings gonna be right cos i don't let it. I search for the bad.
Yep arrgh, I don't know what I can do. I am so far out of ideas. I'm finding it hard to write songs too and it's driving me mad, cos I need them.
Argh, I'll get better I'll blossom into an emotional genius....haha the sun will come out tommorow.

Hey, I'm hungover. It's not big and it's nto clever, actualyl I'd say it was pretty stupid, wet and cold. from my experience last night.I don't know why I drink soo much, well I kinda do, I sent loads of time at home last weekend just chilling out, and then most of this week. I've had quite a lot of alone time really. My best friend is in New Zeland, I don't know if it's a bit junior school having a best friend but she is and she is new zeland. So yer I've been all on my own, thinking and trying to be creative and keep myself entertained.
SO YER LAST NIGHT, arrgh I'm crap with the caps lock button, you may have noticed, but re-writing is counter productive so cba. We went into this club called aqua bar, and I'm quite a big fan of aqua bar, it's not really trendy so you don't get fools there, and you don't get many people my age there either so it's not like your going to get bumped into and bothered. MOst importantly it plays good music, bit of 70's 80's and then all the usual crap, but plenty of cheese, which is what I like. Anyway we paid a £5er to get in and it was some special promo night, I better not sya who incase they sue. But anyway promotion night consisted of very skinny bar staff, who didn't really know what they were doing and just had a giggle, they had dancers on podiums, who were again skinny, but didn't have a clue how to move thier bodies. One particular girl had me in hysterics cos she really thought she was sexy but the dancing was so scary it was like when little kids mimic beyonce or someone. Anyway so me and Martin get there all this is going on and it's dead, and the music is all this dance crap, and every 30 seconds the guy in the corner with the DJ just shouts some 'Big up' crap, we were like oh my fucking god, and we were kina stuck there, cos the first thing we did was put our coats in the cloakroom so we'd kinda invested £^ in the experience by that point, which is really stupid, cos we coulda paid that and I coulda gone to guilty pleasures! which is something I really wanted to go to. So the obvious solution to the crapness was drink, but there were no deals or offers or anything, so it was costing more and more and not getting drunk.
So the plot thickens I beign a genius of high calibre say let's leave our coats here, and go over the road to the baabaa, and get back in with our tickets when it's livened up. So we went Baa Baa and had 4 shots each and some orange VS, and that was it shitfaced. Anyway we wandered all round manchester going from club to club cos everywhere was dead and I didn't like the music anywhere, and our coats were still in the Aqua bar, and we got soaked, and I wore stupid shoes, and I din't even want to go out cos I have to go out tonight. I wishI'd warn boots but instead I wore tarty goth shoes and I felt soo daft like everyone would think look at her tryna be sexy. I don't know maybe I wasjust having a self concious moment.
SO WE knew we had till 4am to get our coats, we were all under control, except when we got back there at half 2 (after a lot of walking and moaning, from me, martin was just drunk) the place was shut. Martin being the dizzy camp gay he is had left his home keys in his jacket, so we were like shit shit, over and over, and had to ring them to get in, I could just hear the girl on the end of the phone asking if it was ok I was like oh my god. it musta closed early cos the night died on it's arse, not that it even started anywhere above rock bottom. SO yer we were nearly very screwed. Then I met up with this girl from work to share a taxi home at this place where you kick a cab, and because there's like no taxi people everyone got into a fight over who was where in the cue, so I withdrew from the situation but Laura that I work with kinda took a philosophical approach of why do you have to argue and this is stupid, except everyone seemed preety happy being stupid, because they were filled with alchol shaped angst so yer. Everyone was just chatting shit and my feet hurt, and I felt daft. so WE JUMPED IN A BLACK CAB, people bitch about em costing a fortune, they don't really once you've negotiated and split it, and if I spent anymote time on the road I woulda froze with anger.
Still cold now been on the phone to my ex, I'm soo crap. I really I am. I dumped him, I had all these great things i said to myself i THOUGHT i could do it, but life doesn't feel right without him, but it's never gonna be right with him. I just wish I was better at this stuff. I keep trying to run from the closeness and get some space, but I can't let him go, it's no good. I don't know what to do. I dumped him he shouldn't be so nice to me, making time for me. At the same time though I can't keep being nice because I dumped him, like out of guilt cos it'll detract from me, yer I finsihed it but i STILL count. I know what I should do, I should text him and say not to come over, but I want him to, I'm just being selfish I really am, he's got a life and he had plans for today and I'd be making him trapse over here. I'm so crap, I really am I know break-ups aren't easy but I just wanted to be ok. He's good guy but I can't let him close. I'm just drifting and not feeling anything, I'm gonna lose evryone around me with this attitude and it's shitty. People, my friend he fancies me I'm attracted to him, but he wants answers from me, like do I love him? do I want him? and I don't know what I want, or how I feel...it seems so pointless to go from guy to guy nto feeling anything, I could've stayed with my ex if I wanted the relationship stuff. Cos it wasn't that I didn't want the ex but I can't take relationships, soo much stuff hurts to me and he never got ot the core of me I kinda needed someone who'd reach me and push me. Even though that can be pretty annoying. I might be a bad person, but I think I'm just confused, I know in a couple months everythings going to change (moving away) but right now I'm in limbo. I'm all ambivalent I don't want to let anyone in, but I don't want to hurt or reject anyone. I just don't know what to do, and the guilt makes me want to say and do all sorts of thigns with my ex, but I wouldn't know what to do. I've only ever been in love with one person, and their long gone. arrrgh, I need to sort things, I need to do the right thing text my ex and say not to bother...I mean what's gonna happen I'll be nice, I'll be sweet and affectionate but at the end of the day I'll have to pull myself together and realise once again that I made the right choice.
I don't know.
I can't work out what's right or wrong or what I want, if I'm safe or if things are going to be bad. I feel like I should be able to read people and in a way I can, but I don't apply my knowledge, it's like I have some brain power but I never connect to it, cos I want ot hide from stuff..and live more simplistically. Maybe one day all this will feel like nothing. I tell myself over and over I'm 18 and I'm gong to f*ck up, I've still got time..some of the stuff I said might be bad, but if I'm not honest I probably can't sort it or fight it.

Ok I had another wierd day, and I wanted to rant, have someone hear, but not necessarily know me and be like oh my god your obsessing again. Not that I obsess I just analyse everything I don't know if it's cos I like English Literature, or I live in my mum's little mafia world, but yer I thought this might be a new way of getting all them useless feelings out, or at least creating the pretence to myself that I am.
It's not really like me in general to do stuff like this, but I need to make changes, I dumped my boyfriend. It's odd he was dead nice but there was like no disequilibrium it was just one big flow, and I'm too young for big flowing things. Yer I've given up on men it just ends in doom, and I'm not good at all this closeness stuff. probably by choise I probably don't wanna be.
I was listening to Diams this morning she's a French rapper, so obviously UI never fully understand what's being said my french isn't that good, but she has this song 'car tu portes mon nom' wHICH i'M PRETTY sure is 'because you wear my name", and in my abstract ways of not understanding, I thought maybe relationships are like that. You're wearing thier name, and that was the problem with my ex, I din't want to wear his name, cos I had different beliefs and opinions from him, and when you date someone you can just get lumped into this thing that you think LIKE THEM or that you share the same views. When some of the things he followed were the anithesis of things and the way I see them. So yer, I suppose I'm a prude or a snob I live in the world I want to live in but I think everyone does. Like gangster rappers, and producers they reckon the whole world is a big violent place dealing drugs and murdering, the things you believe in end up being the world you live in cos you kinda look for them. Like me I don't see all the violence and dumb stuff like fashion and make-up. I know these girls intent on changing thier image to fit the steryotype, and it's sad, cos they don't have another area of thier life where they can strive for perfection. SO they end up eating stuff and then going down the gym all night. Then my ex will say things like "they should know nice guys don't mind" and that's not the point. He's right nice guys don't mind, but the use of don't mind kind off implies you know they're ok with second best, they'll make exceptions and be reasonable. I always thought love would be kinda more deep than it is, not just about biologically searching for mates, and finding someone you can lump along with. I thought love would be life changing and defining but it's not really, it just gets me all annoyed and defensive.
Anyway I'm just ranting cos I learnt how to play with or without you, the U2 song, and I learnt the lyrics by heart, and then I had to perform it this afternoon to all these people and it shat me up completely. I did it, but then I got the feedback and I know I'm a good musician with potential and I got one comment "the guitar playing didn't enhance it", but you have to laugh cos ok it was ropey and it is 4 chords all the way through, but that was part of the safety cos singing makes me nervous enough as it is........ Yer i can takethe critism but I spend the whole day surrounded by girls who are nothing like me, and have all these concerns that don't even reach my world, like plucking eyebrows.
Peace and Love
x x x x